*Fare warning friends, this is a long, somewhat messy & somewhat disorganized post. I am so grateful you're here and pray you find a sense of hope and encouragement through my sharing a bit of my story with you here today...
It had only been 5 days since I had made the life changing decision that I needed to leave my (ex-husband) and flee to safety with my two young children. The fateful day the choice was made for me was Christmas 2011. It hadn't been 100% clear just how quickly I would be leaving my abusive husband until 2 days later, on the 27th of December when I found my son sitting at our dinning table right next to a loaded sawed off shotgun with 9 rounds in the clip and no safety mechanism. Immediately, I knew now was the time that I had to get my children out of a world that was swallowing us whole before we weren't alive to escape from it. That world had been slowly eating away all of my confidence, everything and everyone that I had felt safe with or that I could trust and had left me a shell of who I had formerly been. My ex constantly berated, belittled, undermined, controlled, manipulated, mentally, emotionally and physically abused me and my children. He abandoned and neglected us, screamed obscenities' at us, used weapons to control and manipulate me, threatened to commit suicide as a way to silence and control me and had removed any semblance of normalcy, safety and striped away all of my ability to trust my instincts for the past 10 1/2 years of my life. It was like walking through landmines daily, never knowing where a trip wire might be hiding and what might set him off. He is an abusive, controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, drug addict and alcoholic who was full of rage, had a short fuse and would lash out in anger, at myself and my children daily. We never new what to expect or be prepared for when he was home, I was always nervously walking around on eggshells trying to do everything possible to not set him off.
During my last few years of marriage to him we both had started attending a community college, per his demands. Prior to beginning school he had informed me that I was the one who had wanted my children, so therefore I had to provide for them (because he refused to work any longer). It was in our 2nd year of attending the college that he drastically started to change and act out even more rashly than he had in the past. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had started using Meth, Adderall and other drugs to help him "focus" for school. That coupled with heavy drinking (he had been a heavy drinker before we met and had a felony on his record for selling drugs near a school. Both things he had kept hidden from me until after we were married. These are just a few examples of some of the crazy, that he used as methods to control & manipulate me and convince me that my life was stuck like that, no one else would want me, that I was the one dooming the marriage and he would bring up the subject of divorce constantly, that I was crazy, and that I was making things worse than they actually were.) He knew I was committed to making my marriage work, that I didn't believe in divorce and that I took my marriage vows seriously (although, he had already broken those vows) and I was willing to do whatever I could to try and save my marriage. Those things were used against me continuously to manipulate, control and erase any thoughts that might have caused me to question his methods, his sanity, or to think that we were being abused by him, and that the children and I would be safe and healthier without him. It took a 1000 little things lining up just perfectly and the Lord speaking to me repeatedly (over the course of several years) to convince me that it was not only in my children and I's safety & best interests to flee but that I had the Lord's blessing in it.
Sometimes, I believe it is those smaller things, that lead us to an understanding that we couldn't have seen or comprehended if it had come at us in a bigger way. It was through a college course that was focused on abuse and neglect that I heard the still small voice of the Lord speak to me multiple warnings. Actually it was more like huge red flashing beacons above my head going off, shouting "WARNING. WARNING"!! But that is what it took to finally shake me free of the blinders that had been pulled over my eyes for years and to free me from the prison that had held me captive for so long. I hadn't realized it at the time, but God had been speaking to me, directing and clearly leading me away from my ex for quite some time before I actually fled. God had been sending warning signals all along but sadly I wasn't able to make complete sense of it all (or put all the pieces together) until after I was free from the situation for a while. Oftentimes, hindsight is the only way I'm able to see clearly what was in front of me all along and I'm able to recognize the clear leading and direction of the Lord, where he is/was guiding and directing me and through that it helps me to gain confidence that I heard his voice and I'm going the right direction.
While I was still trapped in the web of lies, deceit, control, and manipulation my ex relied on fear to cripple me and leave me feeling helpless. He was able to keep me silent, trapped in a life that minimized my giftings, my talents and most importantly my voice. Because he made me doubt who I was, what I was capable of and had convinced me that my thoughts were useless, I was deceived into believing his lies for almost a decade before God freed me of them and allowed me to finally start hearing and receiving his truth. It has taken years to undo all the mental and emotional damage, to try and soothe the wounds and smooth out the scars left on my heart and mind from all the years of negative comments, lies, manipulations, calculated deceptions, disappointments, discouraging words, undermining and belittling comments, every heartbreak, let down, moment of despair, loss, tragedy, and trial that I endured and felt due to my ex.
It's been almost a decade since I have been free from that life. I still don't think I can quite fully wrap my head around that fact. On the one hand it feels like a lifetime ago, but in the other it can feel like just mere seconds have passed. One single utterance of a phrase, beat of a song, flash of a memory and all the processing, healing and repair I've worked so hard on can feel like it's nearly been erased when the pain, heartbreak, loss, discouragement, despair, fear, worry, doubts, and reminders of my past come crashing back to the surface all at once like a tidal wave ready to rip me to shreds all over again. In those instances, 9 years doesn't feel like nearly enough time to even begin to heal from the lifetime of hurt, pain and loss I've endured. That is why I'm so so thankful and forever grateful that my past isn't the end of my story. It didn't end with all the losses, and pain. Instead, I know now that my past was only just the beginning of my journey and that I've yet to discover all that God wanted me to learn and discover from it.
I've learned more about myself over the past near decade than I ever had before. I know I am called to share my story and provide hope & encouragement to those who find themselves in similar shoes, who may still be tiptoeing around on eggshells or gingerly walking around the landmines of their own situations and are in desperate need of someone to walk alongside them, to listen, support and encourage them. That is just one of the areas I feel led to be an encouragement and to remind those in that place that they are not alone! When I was in my darkest hour, my lowest place mentally and emotionally, that is the one thing that I needed most. I needed more than anything else to know that I wasn't in it alone, that I had someone, anyone who would be a constant that I could turn to. Someone I could trust. A friend I could rely on, cry on their shoulder, depend on and receive encouragement from. I am forever grateful for my best friend who was that person for me. She stuck by my side through the thinnist of thin and thickest of thick times, sat with me in my moments of despair, listened as I processed & talked things out and provided support that I was desperate for. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her in my life.
Through all of the trials and suffering I have endured over the years I've learned a few things:
Trust isn't easily won. When someone trusts you, do whatever you can to hold onto it and treasure it. Treat it as a treasure and honor them, show them how much you respect them for trusting you by carefully doing all you can to not loose their trust. It is an honor to gain the trust of others, especially those who have been very wounded.
There will be people who come into your life who are only meant to be in it for a brief time. They may only be in a small blip on your timeline and not have a significant impact on your life. Others will come into your life and leave a lasting impression, they will mark their place on your heart and stay with you forever. You won't be able to imagine living your life without them in it. These are the people you will treasure and when you realize how fortunate you are to have found them, you will never want to take them for granted.
Trials will come and go. They are a part of our life and one thing we are promised to witness for sure.
When we are faced with a trial we are all given the chance to decide how we will weather the storm. Either we can choose to harbor bitterness, resentment, anger, become full of hatred, envy, pride and shut ourselves down/off from others. Or we can choose to take it all in stride, choose to learn from the trial/difficulties, change what we can to better ourselves, learn to be humble, choose joy and forgive those who have wronged us. If we decide not to harbor any ill feeling towards others, or resentment that our situation isn't what we hoped for and others seem to "have it all" when we don't, and choose to be content we will be much happier and have a richer more fulfilling life.
Not everything we go through has/gets to define you. Read that again. We have the power to decide what gets to define us. We are NOT our current circumstances, our present situation, what happened to us in the past, or what someone else says about us. It does not get to dictate our value and worth. What we are known for and remembered by. We have the power to make choices that will help define who we are, how we are known, and how we choose to react, respond to and how we treat others/all situations we will face.
We can be our own best ally or our own worst enemy. The choice is ours. No one else knows our ambitions, our thoughts, our dreams, goals and motivations as intimately as we do. Therefore, no one else gets to dictate how hard we work, fight for, attempt, and try to achieve/accomplish them. If we aren't willing to put in the effort to reach our dreams/goals etc. no one else will do it for us. The only thing standing in our way from achieving what we are working towards may be ourselves.
When life gives/throws lemons at us there really is more than one choice what we do with them. It doesn't have to just be lemons or lemonade. It can also be lavender lemon bars, lemon meringue pie or sweet lemon squares. It all depends on our perspective. If we are looking for the negatives, all we will see as our options are bitter, tangy, or tart options. But if we focus instead on all the potential possibilities of what we can make of a situation if we sprinkle in a little sugar a whole world of possibilities opens up for us. One that is much tastier too, imo. 😆😏
Last but not least, when someone wrongs you, as it is bound to happen at least once in your lifetime. Be willing to forgive and put it in the past. It will serve you so much more to not hold onto the ways you were wronged and to put it behind you than it ever will holding onto the pain, hurts and harboring a grudge against them. Trust me when I say this is something I have had to make the choice to do several times with multiple people throughout my life, especially over the past 9 years. Sometimes it can feel like I'm giving them a free pass and I'm allowing them to hurt me repeatedly but when I look at it that way all it's doing is causing me more pain. Odds are they have no idea they've hurt me to begin with, but even if they do and feel no remorse, holding onto the hurt just allows that person/people to keep inflicting pain in us and digging those/the hurt deeper and deeper. When I let go of it, I am releasing myself from the worry of whether or not they feel remorse or regret, I'm letting it go into God's hands and allowing him to carry it, handle it and remove it from my life (that doesn't mean that the pain just magically disappears, but that over time the pain should/will gradually become less and perhaps we might start to see things in a different light. Maybe we will find compassion towards those who wronged us (because the odds are they are hurting a lot too and that could be one of the many reasons they hurt us), or maybe we will just start to sense peace after we let our pent up hurt/anger/frustrations/pain go, because we will start to be free from holding onto those feelings.
Friends, if you are struggling with a similar story, know someone who has walked or is walking in a familiar/similar path to mine please reach out. Contact me via the email link or drop a comment for me. I'd be honored to be able to support you through it. One of the hardest things for me on this night, 9 years ago was looking at the future. The scary unknowns of what the next day marked. The beginning not just of a new year, but the first day of my new life. One that I knew I would be facing alone. If that is where you find yourself please don't hesitate to reach out! I'm here for you friend. You are not in this alone!! More than I or any other human being can be here for you, God wants to walk through this with you. He can provide you a peace and comfort like no one else can. I urge you to seek him, turn to him in your moments of despair, when hope feels lost and allow him to soothe your heart, thoughts, to comfort you and bring you peace. If you're struggling to know how or where to start reach out and I'd love to walk through that with you too!
**
Over the course of the past 10 years I've learned more about trust, faith, hope, joy, sorrow, pain and trials than I could have fathomed possible. Through 8 months of a long drawn out divorce/custody battle, healing, processing, grieving the loss/death of a marriage and my former life, loosing a home to a foreclosure, being drug through a bankruptcy (just one of the consequences I endured while married to my ex), surviving on food stamps and the thoughtful gifts of close friends and family to get me and my kiddos by (when I was still married to my ex, but mostly while I was a single mother for 2 years.), heating up warm water on my stove and using a ladle to scoop water to wash my hair when our hot water was shut off, finding resources available to help cover heat and electric bills when my ex had used our money on drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. Surviving the loss of my former life: loss of my home, most of our (the kids and mine) belongings, leaving behind friends, a family we had known and belonged to for a decade, living in hiding for 2 years in a new city where we had to start over from scratch, learning how to maneuver all the bumps and turbulents created when our lives were flipped upside down and pummeled by a freight train a dozen times, learning how to pick myself up, start again, how to be mom and dad to two scared, scarred, hurt, confused children while I myself was petrified, worried that I wouldn't be enough to provide everything they needed, scared I couldn't provide safety, security and terrified I would let them down, not be enough to give them everything they needed and overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that had suddenly landed on my shoulders. Somehow, only by the grace of God, I managed to crawl my way through all the hurdles, obstacles, and trials. Not to say I didn't come out unscathed, with numerous battle wounds but with God's leading, guidance and direction I was able to maneuver my way through the rough, difficult, painful, unbearable times and come out stronger on the other side. What I didn't know at the time was that all of those things would be preparing me for some of the hardest times yet to come. But more on that in another post.
Friends, if you have followed along and are still with me here at the end I thank you for reading this far. My life has taken so many twists and turns that I never would have imagined for myself, but one of the most important lessons I've learned over the past decade is that with God anything truly is possible! Although my story may seem bleak at times, tainted by loss, hardship, and trials that is not the end of my story. There has been so much redemption, so much joy, so much hope and my life has completely changed for the better. God has completely redeemed all that was lost and stolen from me. He has brought me a life filled with blessings, a deeper love than I ever new existed, continuous peace that surrounds me, a joy that I've never known before and has filled my life with hope.
A year and a half after my kids and I left our domestic abuse situation God brought an incredible man back into my life. He is everything that I never had before, all that I ever hoped and dreamed I would find in someone, and he sweeps me off my feet daily. He is patient, kind, generous, compassionate, slow to anger, gracious, authentic, genuine, understanding, hardworking, supportive, steadfast, reliable, caring, and most importantly loves me & our kiddos more than anything else in the world. We got married 7 1/2 years ago and my life looks nothing like it did before. I would even say it is unrecognizable in comparison with my old life. The best way to say it is that my old life has died, most of the time I don't think about it, and it feels like it was just a horrific nightmare, not something that I actually lived through. Over the past 7 years God has truly blessed my socks off and by bringing me the perfect man who is completely and utterly my best/perfect match, who meets everything I have ever wanted and surpasses it daily. I am forever grateful that God orchestrated our relationship and had GREATNESS instore for me. His PURPOSE & PLAN for my life has been so much better than I ever could have dreamt!💖
My hope for you friends, is that you find encouragement in that. God has a GREAT plan for you, and a purpose for your life that is so much better than you can fathom. He wants to, longs to, desires to bless you and bring you good! I pray that you would trust him and put your faith in him. Allow him to show up for you like he always has for me. I know he will blow you away with what he wants to do in your life! He did it for me, I know he wants to do great things for you too! 💗
Blessings to you all friends,
~K
*If this is something you are struggling with, find yourself questioning or know someone who is in the midst of a messy storm or similar situation... Please don't hesitate to reach out!! You can connect with me always via email/connect with me tab to the right or via DM's on my Instagram handle here: https://www.instagram.com/thishomeschoolerslife/ I would be honored to partner with you and encourage you through the next steps, while you walk through the storm...however that may be. You are not in this alone! Together we can lift one another up, strengthen each other and provide support and encouragement through whatever trials/storms we face. Remember, God's got you!! HE is always there to run to in the midst of your craziest, most chaotic, life altering moments. When you feel all alone, trapped, unheard or unwanted know he is always just a prayer away. He is always ready to come to your aide and surround you with a peace that only he can provide. My hope for you all is that if you are facing insurmountable odds, and feel like life is crushing you or weighing you down that you would turn to the only one who can provide everything you need. While we may not receive the immediate relief, removal of our problems/storms, or the answer we are searching for.. trust and know that He has something MUCH better in store even when the outcome/situation looks hopeless and bleak and like life couldn't possible get better. There is always hope and he always has good in mind for you, even when/especially when we can't see what he is up to.
Blessings to you all and please, do reach out. If not with me, find a dear friend or someone that you can trust and unload some of your heavy burdens, they are not meant to be carried alone! 💓
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